I’ve wondered a long time if women are actually beautiful or if we simply don’t have another choice, o women, women, women, women, women, dear women, I cannot get over you, dear women, you and your bodies I cannot get over them, they are impassable, you are all mountains, of varying shapes and densities, dear women, you make me sick with obsession, when I go to bed I am thinking of you and when I make my bed in the morning I am thinking of you, even if I am only thinking of myself because I suppose it is time that I admit that I am also a woman, even if I do not like women, or do not want to be one, I am trying to exist more fully in reality, even if I don’t like the rules of reality I have to start understanding them and existing by them before I can really change them and the reality is that I am a woman, whether I like it or not, and believe me, I do not like it, I do not like it and I have not liked it for a long time, for as long as I can remember, which is starting to become a long time in itself, the way women are and the things women do, and how men talk to women and the tiresome difficulties that heterosexual lust present, so I like existing as myself better than I like existing as a woman, this means that I am alone a great deal, when I leave my room I have to be a woman, this is what people see, you understand, I look in mirrors and windows frequently, not because of vanity though I personally have never taken issue with vain people, materialistic people perhaps an issue there yes, but the vain ones are alright, physicality is so transient why not let them glory a bit, the only consequence is their own terror at their own aging, I mean vanity doesn’t bother me it’s just going to bother whoever’s being vain I think I’ve made this point clear, let’s move on, yes I look in mirrors and windows frequently for two very good reasons, one: I am still trying to comprehend the appearance of my female body because I so rarely feel female or feel my body as a female thing and two: I want to make sure I still exist at all because I have known people who lost their reflections for a time, and that always seemed exceptionally dangerous to me, having visual confirmation that you do not in fact exist seems dangerous, what exactly are non existent people supposed to do and when you finally get that wish granted, the wish for non existence, then what, I mean, who’s really thought about what they plan to do once they do not exist because nothing is an end in itself, and though we all wish it was, wishes are prerequisites for punishments you know, I’ve said it before, maybe not today but I have said, so if you wish to not exist and then suddenly you do not exist, what will your punishment look like, what form will that torture take, I hope this time it’s something new, o, let’s do something new, frankly I’m bored with all the punishments, loss and pain, loss and pain, day in and day out, it might as well be a full time job, all the energy it takes up, surely there’s something else,
Read more of this in Ensemble Anthology no. 1
